


Dirt and Dried Blood

by hufflepirate



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Comfort, Comfort Food, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Forehead Touching, Forgiveness, Gen, Hair Washing, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Memory Loss, Reminiscing, Showers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 00:58:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12121089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflepirate/pseuds/hufflepirate
Summary: Coran doesn't know exactly what happened out there.  He just knows the other paladins brought the princess back bloody and half-dead.  Allura remembers being left behind, but she doesn't remember making it home.  Sometimes getting back on your feet requires a little more than a healing pod, but they both know he's going to be there for her every step of the way.





	Dirt and Dried Blood

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to Pink's "Beam Me Up" and "The Great Escape," so if you decide this isn't enough feels, I guess listen to those?

Coran was tired of feeling shaken. He wasn't used to it, and he didn't like it. But they hadn't even had time to clean Allura up before they put her in the healing pod, and until she got out again, he didn't expect the shaky feeling in his chest to ease.

Keith was in the corner of the room, like he had been since yesterday, but he was asleep for the moment. Coran let himself step forward and lean his head against the pod window. Being closer to Allura, even with the glass between them, made him feel a little better, and no one was here to see. He couldn't let them think he was worried, but he couldn't escape the feeling, either.

Her face and hair were filthy, but the dirt wasn't the problem. The problem was the dried blood on her skin, and caked in her hair. He reminded himself for the thousandth time that she _must_ be healed now, underneath the old blood, but it was one thing to know that and another to see it. He just needed to _see_ it, to run his fingers over the bloody places and _feel_ that they were healed.

Keith stirred in his sleep, and Coran pulled back again, in case he was waking up. Keith had been beating himself up since they came back to the Castle, but if he hadn't been, Coran might have been tempted to do it for him.

He could still hear the paladins' voices, echoing in his ears. " _Where's Allura?_ " and then " _I don't know_ ," clear as day through the comms, and no answer from the Princess. He'd watched her fly off before she was a paladin, leaping down to the surface of the planets they were helping or breaking onto Galra ships for intel. He'd even started to get used to it. He still hadn't been ready to watch her take off, over and over, like it was nothing but routine. If he couldn't get that silence out of his head, he might never be ready again.

He still didn't know how the others could have left her behind, or how Blue had let her fall so far back when they'd been bonding so well lately. He still didn't know how she'd gotten herself into trouble, or how she'd gotten out of it. He just knew the others had doubled back and they'd found her and helped her back to the Castle and she'd come out of her lion pale and shaking and covered in blood. He just knew he'd been waiting there to support her, and that if he hadn't been there to catch her when she collapsed, he'd never have forgiven himself and he'd never, never, _never_ be able to forgive them.  He wasn't sure he could forgive them even  _now_.

He flexed his hands and then wiped his palms on his thighs, trying not to dwell on the memory of Allura's blood on his skin after he put her in the pod. It had seeped through his gloves, and he knew he'd never be able to wear that pair again, even if he could get the blood out.

Now there was just blood, not bleeding, and that had to be better. It had to be _enough_. He had to keep waiting, and he had to be here again when she got out. Keith settled down again in his corner, and Coran reached out to touch the pod, laying his hand on it and closing his eyes in case wishing for it would bring her back to him faster.

 

* * *

 

 

Allura felt her legs wobble as she stepped out of the pod, but Coran was right there, reaching for her. She let him catch her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and leaning her weight into him so he could keep her upright. His arms tightened around her, pulling her into a real, proper hug, and she buried her face in his shoulder. He smelled like himself, and she felt herself stabilizing with every breath in.

It took her several seconds to realize Coran's breathing was a little uneven in her ear, but before she could ask him about it, there was a noise in the corner. Keith was scrambling to his feet.

"Allura!"

The paladin hurried toward them, but Coran kept an arm protectively around her waist even when he released the hug, and Keith couldn't get close to her. He stopped short, two feet away, and his posture stiffened. He'd looked relieved on his way over, but now his face flattened out, going carefully blank.

"I'm sorry we left you behind," he said, "It won't happen again."

She shuddered, and Coran's arm tightened around her again. She leaned into his side, letting him steady her. Everything was a blur when she tried to remember how she'd gotten here, but she _did_ remember being left behind.

She and Blue had been flying along just fine, keeping up with everyone else, but then they'd gotten into a field of asteroids. Blue was plenty maneuverable, and everyone else had slowed down, too, but she wasn't used to that kind of flying yet. She and Blue were still learning each other, and she'd fallen behind. She'd even been behind Hunk and Yellow, who were never very fast, either.

She couldn't remember why she hadn't asked them to slow down. She couldn't remember why she hadn't asked for help. She couldn't remember when she'd gone from a little behind to completely lost. But she did remember the sudden realization that she was alone, and the wave of terror when she realized no one else could hear her.

She wasn't sure what was showing on her face, but Keith's eyebrows contracted. "I mean it, Allura. Never again. I _promise_."

She wanted to say something, but she didn't know how. Physically, she was alright now. None the worse for wear. She just couldn't figure out how to put into words the ways it _wasn't_ alright that she'd been so scared, or that she'd been abandoned like that. She couldn't figure out whether that was his fault or hers or both. She couldn't figure out whether or not to lie to him and say it was fine when it wasn't. She couldn't figure out whether she shouldn't have been scared or whether he shouldn't have left her. She couldn't figure out whether she had it in her to do it again, if she had to. It was all too much and she couldn't make sense of it.

"Let the Princess have some space," Coran said, covering for her. "We can talk about this later. Let the others know she's alright, and she'll be able to see them once she's had some sleep. Healing is hard work."

Coran was angry. She wasn't sure if Keith could tell, but she'd known Coran long enough to hear it, simmering under the surface. His arm was still solid around her, and no matter how hard she tried to remember what had happened, the only other solid thing was the feeling of being left behind. Coran was right. She needed to take some time before she could talk to the other paladins. She needed to stay with Coran until she could believe she wouldn't be left behind again. She needed to figure out what had even _happened_ to her.

Keith looked sad for a moment, then his expression flattened out again. He was trying to seem in control, probably, but it just made her feel chilled to see his face so blank. "Ok, Coran. You got it." It was a relief when he walked out of the room and she could let out a long, shaky breath.

Coran moved his arm, letting go of her waist, and her hands grabbed frantically at the front of his jacket until she realized he wasn't leaving her. He rested his hands on either side of her face, leaning in to press his forehead against hers. "Oh, Baby Girl," he said, and then whatever else he might have said got lost as his breath caught in his throat.

It had been a long time since he'd called her that. It had been a long time since _anybody_ had called her that. It had been fine for Coran to treat her like they were family when she was little, but once she'd started taking on responsibilities, once she'd been old enough to start learning to rule, things had changed.

It had felt exciting, like a game of pretend that gradually turned into reality, things he said with a wink turning into things he just _said_ , and then turning, slowly but inexorably, into the way he always talked to her. But things had been changing again, since they woke up here in the future, and now she just wanted to believe there was a chance she could go back, somehow. It would all be _easier_ if she could just go back.

She could feel a sob on the edge of breaking out, but she forced it not to.

"I can't be here, Coran," she said softly, "I want to go to my room."

"Of course," he said, leaning back to look at her for a moment before kissing her forehead and letting go of her face.

She was surprised when he swept her up in his arms to carry her, but it felt good to lean into his chest and stop worrying about the fact that she still felt shaky. If they ran into the paladins, she could pretend her legs were still weak from cryo. She could pretend she still needed rest. She could pretend she _needed_ this, and didn't just want it, didn't just want to pretend she could be little again, and let Coran worry about things for her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, ready to hide her face in his shoulder if they passed anyone. It was silly, trying to avoid a conversation just because she wasn't sure what to say in it yet, but a small, childish part of her couldn't help wanting to just hide away until things somehow just got better.

 

* * *

 

Allura seemed so damned small right now, and it wasn't that he'd forgotten how young she was, before now, as much as it was that he'd tried to respect her wishes. He knew she didn't want him to think of her as small. She didn't want him to think of her as barely out of her childhood. She didn't want him to think of her age instead of how strong she was. She didn't want him to think of her as the little girl he'd watched growing up, when she needed to be a leader now.

He couldn't help thinking of her like that today, not when he'd almost lost her. And he was relieved that she didn't seem to need him to pretend, right at the moment. He opened the door to her room and carried her over the threshold, feeling her let out a deep, relieved sigh as soon as they were safely away from the common areas, and he let himself be glad she'd let him carry her, instead of worrying about what it meant.

He set her down on the edge of her bed and pressed their foreheads together for a second time before he straightened up again.

Her hand reached out for his sleeve, and he let her catch it. "Coran, I don't know what to do." Something in her eyes was desperate in a way he wasn't used to, and it sent a spike of pain through his chest.

He slid down onto one knee, kneeling at her feet so that he wouldn't loom over her, and cradled her hand in both of his. "It's alright, Princess," he said, "You don't have to. Not right now."  She bit her lip and shook her head, her eyes searching his face for something, and he faked a smile to make her feel better. "I mean it, Allura. You don't have to do anything until you're rested."

"Are you _sure_?" she asked, eyes still looking worried.

"I'm positive," he answered, "They left you behind, and they can wait for you to be ready to talk to them again. You just take your time." The bitterness hadn't made it all the way out of his voice, but he couldn't think about that right now. Not until he knew she was going to be alright. Not until he _believed_ it.

After a moment, she closed her eyes, biting her lip again. Then she shook her head and opened them again, looking more certain this time. "I don't think they meant to leave me behind," she said.

"No," he agreed, "I don't think they did either." He _knew_ they hadn't. They'd told him that enough times, _apologized_ enough times. All four of them had been gutted, enough that any other time he'd have hurried to comfort them. Enough that he'd almost even started to forgive them for bringing Allura back to him half-dead. But not enough that he could fight on their behalf so soon.

Silence stretched between them, Coran focused intently on Allura's breath as it went smoothly in and out of her lungs and proved she was alright. He ran his thumb back and forth over the back of her hand and watched her thinking. After a moment, she closed her eyes again. Part of him wanted to ask her what she was thinking about, but part of him didn't want to know. Part of him didn't want to think about any of it.

"I can't remember what happened," she said finally, her voice eerily calm. "I know I got left behind, and I think something happened to Blue, because I remember being hit. We tried to go somewhere, but I can't remember where or why." Her composure started to break, fear peeking through in spite of her best efforts. "I - I know we went _somewhere_ and I went outside, but I can't -" She cut herself off, pinching her eyes shut even harder, and he squeezed her hand to encourage her.

She opened her eyes, looking straight into his own like she was trying to read the answers there. He wished he had the answers for her. "It's all just fragmented," she said, sounding rattled, "I don't know what happened to us. I don't remember how I got home."

Coran nodded, trying to keep himself calm so he didn't make things worse for her. "You had a head injury. It's perfectly normal not to remember things."

Her free hand reached up to feel for the spot where she'd hit her head, "I don't - oh. Is that blood?"

"It's alright," he said soothingly, reaching up to pull her hand away and return it to her lap with the other one. "It's old blood. Once we get you cleaned up, you'll be none the worse for wear."

"I must look a mess."

"You look very brave," he answered solemnly.

She wrinkled her forehead, looking confused for a moment, and then her face slid into a sudden, wry smile that made his heart flutter with relief. "Like that time I cut my eyebrow open falling out of that tree when the other kids told me I was too cowardly to climb it?"

He'd forgotten that, but she was right. "The stakes are a little bit higher now," he answered, smiling fondly, "But I've always known you'd grow up to be a fighter."

She looked down at her lap, twisting her fingers together until he couldn't keep her hands in his anymore. "I don't feel like a fighter right now," she said, "I don't feel like anything."

Coran leaned back a little onto his heel, letting her have her space. "You don't have to be," he said finally, "You don't have to be anything but Allura right now."

"What if I just stay here forever?"

She wouldn't. No matter how bad she felt now, she'd never give up the fight. Not really. "Then I'll stay here with you," he answered.

"Really?"

"Really."

It was always easy to make promises he knew he wouldn't have to keep. Almost as easy as making promises he knew he'd have kept anyway.

 

* * *

 

Allura felt selfish. She was sure that the others hadn't left her on purpose. It had been an accident. A stroke of bad luck. Nobody's fault. It had turned out alright.

It didn't _feel_ alright.

Coran was still in front of her, resting calmly back on his heel and looking at her with so much _patience_ that she didn't know whether to hug him or scream at him.

 _He_ knew she was being selfish, too. He knew she was letting her feelings get in the way of what needed to be done. He knew the others hadn't meant to leave her behind and he knew she couldn't afford to keep the Blue lion from them with the universe at stake. But he didn't even look mad about it. He didn't even look _disappointed_.

She wanted him to yell at her for even thinking about giving up. She wanted him to call the others and tell them he was the Blue paladin now instead and Allura was never leaving her room again. She wanted to go fly, right now, just to prove she could. She wanted to climb up in Blue's cockpit and stay there, running the sensors over and over until all of her _really_ believed they'd made it home, and then to climb out without going anywhere. She wanted to prove she was a good paladin. She wanted never to have become a paladin at all.

Her stomach growled, and relief broke over her because at least that was a distraction. She should do something about it, and her options had nothing to do with all the blanks in her memory, or the lingering feeling that she'd been left behind. She could run to the kitchen and bring something back here to eat, she could send Coran to fetch something for her, or she could go eat with the paladins. Easy choices. Ones she made every day.

Right.

Half her options meant facing the paladins, and the other half meant hiding from them. There was no such thing as an easy choice.

 _Just make a decision_ , she told herself, _the rest will follow_.   _You need to eat anyway._

She needed more information. She'd been too focused on the gaps in her memory, and then on her own fears, to take stock of things here and now. She should see what she looked like. She should find out where the others were. She should make sure she wasn't worrying herself for nothing.

She got to her feet, Coran standing up beside her. He kept a hand near her elbow, there to steady her if she needed him, even as his knees wobbled a little bit. She should remember he was getting older. She should remember she had to start taking care of _him_ now and not just the other way around. Just because she didn't want to be left behind didn't mean -

She stepped over to the mirror and lost her train of thought.

"Oh my," she breathed.

She had dirt on her face and neck, and even down onto her collarbones, which made her wonder how she'd gotten so filthy with her paladin armor on. The dirt on her face was patchy, with cleaner spots where Coran's gloves had rubbed against her skin and dirtier ones where they hadn't.

The clean patches only made the dried blood more obvious. There was a thick spot of blood over her right eyebrow, where whatever had cut her had narrowly missed her temple. It had run down toward her jawline, but hadn't made it far. The blood on the left side of her jaw had run down her neck, far enough to stain the top of her healing suit, but it was comparatively minor, too.

It was her hair that was the real nightmare. She couldn't remember why she'd taken off her helmet when she and Blue got to wherever it was they'd tried to go. She didn't even remember why she'd gone outside, so maybe she'd had a good reason. Whatever it was, it hadn't worked out. Her hair was filthy and matted. It hadn't stayed in its bun, out of her way. It had tangled and taken on dust, and there was too much blood. There was _way_ too much blood.

She shuddered instinctively at the sight.

Coran took one step closer, grabbing her elbow to steady her. "You gave us quite the fright," he said softly.

"I - I can see that," she said.

"It's alright now," he said, "It's only blood, not bleeding. I checked."

She nodded.

Her stomach growled again.

"Coran, would you mind bringing me something to eat?"

Any other day, she'd have turned from the mirror to smile at him. Right now, she couldn't. She had to work out what had happened. She had to work out how she'd gotten here.

He squeezed her elbow gently before he let go, and she knew he was still worried about her. That was fair. She was worried about _herself_ , now that she could see how bad things had been. "Of course, Princess," he said, "Be back in two shakes."

 

* * *

 

Coran took a deep breath to keep himself focused, running through his options for the princess. Food goo would be the fastest, and he wanted to get back to her quickly. But it was also more nutritional than it was comforting, and it might be worth it to take the time to make her something more interesting. Something simple, and quick. Something that would make her feel good. Maybe he'd just see what was on hand and make up his mind from there.

He pushed open the door of the kitchen to see Hunk, which wasn't surprising. Hunk had practically been living there since the paladins got back. What really surprised him was that Pidge was beside him, standing on her tiptoes so they could work together. They were huddled over something at the counter, and it sounded like they were arguing.

"How am _I_ supposed to know what it tastes like?" she asked, "I've only seen _pictures_!"

"But we definitely don't have any?"

"No, Hunk, I already _told_ you that!"

"Ok, that's fine," he said, moving to open a cabinet. "That's fine. I'll just have to make up another substi-" He turned to check another cabinet. "Oh. Coran."

Pidge turned around to look at him, one hand drifting up to run through her hair.

"How, um - How's Allura?" Hunk asked. "We were just-"

"We're making her something out of this cookbook we found!" Pidge said, too quickly. She took a deep breath and started again, more slowly, "I mean, Hunk had already been planning to make her something, but then Keith said she seemed pretty upset, and if it had been me, _I_ would be upset, so when Hunk asked me about the cookbook I said I'd try to help read it."

"We just thought, you know, she's been through a lot and she could use something familiar. If that's ok."

Hunk wasn't looking him in the eye, and for a moment, something tugged at Coran's heart. He wasn't going to be able to stay mad at them forever. Not when they were halfway reading his mind like this. He straightened his back anyway, raising his chin a hair. "So, what is it that you're making?" he asked, trying to keep his voice formal.

Pidge picked up the book, carrying it toward him. "Well, actually, I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but it's in the court foods section, so we figured, like, she's the _princess_ , so she's probably used to that, and it had the most ingredients I recognized from that language program."

He glanced at the recipe. He remembered the dish, if not how to make it.

"What step are you on?" he asked, "That doesn't look right at all."

Hunk stepped up, shoulders visibly relaxing as he turned his attention to the food. "Yeah, see, we don't actually _have_ all the ingredients, not even the ones Pidge recognized, so I've had to make a few substitutions. Pidge told me as much as she could remember from the pictures and I just kind of - I mean, we _had_ tubers, just not the ones it called for, and if I cross referenced stuff with the other recipes, I could kind of puzzle out what was probably supposed to be happening, you know, chemically, and I could see what kinds of things went together and might be good substitutions, so, anyway, I had to guess a lot, but I think it tastes alright."

Coran raised an eyebrow.

"No, he's right, you should try some," Pidge said, hopping up onto the counter next to the stove and then turning to look at him. "It looks a little weird, but I like it. And it _smells_ good. My Nonna always cooked by smell, so I kind of figure as long as it _smells_ ok, it -"

"It _does_ smell good," Coran conceded. Pidge beamed, and somehow that was alright with him until he remembered that he was supposed to be angry with her.

Hunk handed him a spoonful of what was in the pot, holding a hand under it to catch the drips as Coran took it from him. "I hope it's at least _kind_ of similar," he said, "I know it's not the _same_ , but I was going for a flavor profile, right, or as close as I could get it, and as long as it _feels_ familiar, it should still be - Coran?"

Coran's eyes were welling up with tears and he wasn't sure why. Hunk was right. It wasn't the same. But it was like tasting echoes, like all of a sudden the past was trying to catch up to them, was hovering _right there_ just out of reach. The food was right on the edge between things, like a few changes would make it into one of 3 or 4 dishes he'd had before, but mostly it just tasted like _home_.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, raising his chin again. "Sorry, paladins, I think I got steam in my eyes."

Hunk bit his lip, waiting for a verdict, and something in Coran's chest shifted. He smiled at the boy, and it didn't make him feel guilty to do it. "It's not quite exactly like anything I've had before, but I think it would have fit right in at the court table."

Hunk blushed and looked down, clearly fighting a smile.

"Well _that's_ a relief," Pidge said, "It's really hard trying to describe things you've never eaten."

"Do you think it'll, umm," Hunk asked, "Will Allura feel better if we send her some? Or should we keep working on it? 'Cause we can definitely keep working on it!"

"Yeah," Pidge said quickly, "There are definitely, like, three more steps, but I don't think we have the stuff for anything except the garnish at the end, and if she's already hungry, she shouldn't have to wait -" Coran could watch Pidge realize what she was saying, but it was too late. "On us," she finished, more quietly.

Coran expected another wave of anger to wash over him, but Allura was waiting, and she was hungry, and she was in one piece, and Hunk and Pidge had made her dinner, and the anger didn't hit the way he'd thought it would.

Pidge set her jaw and started talking again.   "We'll bring it to her if you want us to finish it off more. You won't have to lift a finger. We promise."

More promises. He raised his chin again, trying to keep his composure. "It's alright, Number 5," he said, "I'll go ahead and take it now."

Hunk plated the dish neatly in a bowl for him, and he patted the boy's shoulder as he took it, half surprising himself.

As he reached the door, Pidge shouted behind him. "Coran, wait!"

He turned to look at the paladins. "Tell her -" Pidge stopped, momentarily lost for words, and then started over. "Tell her we're thinking about her, I guess."

"Tell her we love her," Hunk said, "And we're sorry."

"Yeah," Pidge agreed, "Tell her that, too."

He nodded crisply and walked out.

 

* * *

 

Standing in front of the mirror, running through the facts, helped a little. She had gaps in her memory, but she was starting to come to terms with it. At least that had a nice, clean sense of cause and effect to it. Head injury, memory loss, healing pod, permanent memory gaps. Natural. Normal. Maybe even healthy. Shiro had talked once about his brain trying to protect him from memories that hurt too much. Shiro was gone, now. It scared her that she knew how that felt.

Other facts: Keith felt bad about what had happened. He hadn't done it on purpose. Neither had the others.

Coran was here with her. He'd never leave her. He'd be back any second, and he wouldn't go away again until she asked him to. She didn't need to worry about being left on her own as long as Coran was here.

She'd gotten home somehow, even with what had clearly been a fairly horrific head injury. That meant someone had been looking out for her besides Coran. Maybe it was Blue. Maybe it was the other paladins. Maybe it was all of them. However she'd gotten back, she couldn't have done it alone if she still looked like _this_ after getting out of the healing pod. She wasn't alone. She hadn't been alone.

She took a deep breath, reaching up to touch the mass of clotted blood in her hair. She wasn't sure how she was ever going to get it clean. But at least when she ran her fingers all the way up to her scalp, she could feel that the injury itself was healed.

 _It's not bleeding_ , she reminded herself, _it's just blood_. The longer she spent running her fingers over the places where the injuries had been, the easier it was to believe that. It had almost stopped being frightening.

When Coran came in, she finally looked away from the mirror. She wasn't sure what he was holding, but something in his face seemed lighter than it had been before.

"Hunk and Pidge made you dinner," he said, voice carefully even.

She wasn't ready to be happy yet, but she faked a smile anyway. "That was nice of them."

Coran put the bowl down on her dressing table. "I know it's hard," he said, "But they'll still be there when you're ready. They love you, and they said to tell you they're sorry."

She nodded, trying to believe that. Trying to feel it.

"Anyway," Coran said, coming hesitantly toward her and holding an arm out when he got close, in case he needed to steady her, "They tried to make Altean food for you, and it's actually pretty close."

"Really?" she asked, surprised.

"Really! It's not what they were trying to make, but it still tastes like home."

She nodded, letting him guide her toward the table. Now that she could smell it, she knew he was right. She just wasn't sure whether that made her feel better or worse. She slid into the chair, letting Coran take a seat beside her on the side of her bed.

The first bite was a surprise, even though she'd been expecting it. She nearly dropped her spork. "Coran!"

He laughed, "I was a bit shocked myself. I _may_ have cried. A bit."

She could feel something in her chest threatening a similar reaction, but that wouldn't do. She _hated_ crying, and if she was _going_ to cry, she should do it over the way they'd left her behind, _not_ over the way they were trying to make up for it. She reached over and grabbed his hand, hoping he wouldn't notice the sniff if she kept her voice firm enough.

"You _must_ have some. Do you have an extra spork?"

He shook his head. "It'll keep. They made plenty."

She thought about fighting him on it, but the smell was strong and familiar and now that she'd actually started eating it, it was making her feel better in spite of herself. She hadn't fully realized how hungry she was until she'd started, either. She knew that was normal, too, coming out of a healing pod, but it was hard to resist the hunger. She let go of his hand and dug back in, hoping she wouldn't forget to make sure he had some later. She didn't have a head injury anymore, but there was something destabilizing about the gaps in her memory. She didn't like it.

"What's it supposed to be?" she asked after she had swallowed.

"They found a cookbook, and Hunk was cross-referencing, so it's hard to say, really. Pidge's Altean is getting better, but it's still a work in progress. I think Hunk made at least half of it up."

That sounded like them. They did always like their projects.

"They started in the court food section," Coran added, "They thought it might be the most familiar for you."

She took another bite before she had to answer that. It tasted so good that she closed her eyes for a moment just to taste it better.

When she opened them again, Coran was smiling softly at her. "This _is_ helping," she said, "Thank you for bringing it."

"Of course," he answered, his voice soft and affectionate. Then he cleared his throat and stood up all at once.

"I'm sure you'll be wanting a bath after you've eaten," he said, straightening up formally. "I'll start getting some fresh towels ready and drawing some hot water. Unless you'd like a nap first?"

Her mouth was full again by the time he'd finished, but she put her spork down in time to grab his elbow before he could move away. "It's alright, Coran," she said, as soon as she'd swallowed, "I'll just take a shower. Though I don't know how I'm _ever_ going to get my hair clean."

"Ah, Princess -" Coran began, and she picked up her bowl, rotating in her chair to look at him better. "I _had_  been thinking I might help you with it, if that's alright." He coughed awkwardly. "I _do_ remember how difficult long hair can be sometimes."

She smiled. His ponytail had never seemed ridiculous when she was small, but now when she thought back on it, she realized he'd still been young, then. Not as young as _she_ was, but still young. She wasn't sure how she'd feel if one day the paladins suddenly had children around to not realize she was young. She wasn't sure she'd know what to do with them even if they _did_ realize she was young.

"Was it strange when I was born?" she asked, impulsively.

"What do you mean, Princess?" Coran asked.

"I mean, I know you were already my father's advisor, but he always said you were his friend first and his advisor second. Was it odd when I came along and suddenly your friend had a child?"

"It was a little bit odd, yeah."  Coran's face split into a huge smile, "But the moment I saw you, I knew you were going to be special, so that was alright. Your mother called you her little ray of starshine, and it sounds silly to say it, but you really were. You'd come into a room, and everybody lit up. I've never _seen_ your father as happy as he was when he could spend time with you and your mother."

She bit her lip. She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting. She wasn't sure what she'd wanted him to say. She kept eating instead of answering, because she wasn't sure what _she_ was supposed to say, either.

"That's not to say you weren't trouble from the moment you could walk, of course," Coran added, "Or that you didn't scream to no end sometimes, when you were an infant. But your parents loved you to the edge of Altea and back, even when you were trouble."

"I suppose I _was_ sometimes . . . difficult," she admitted, looking up from the bowl and glancing at him through her eyelashes.

"Princess, you were the best nightmare we ever had."

She snorted, almost laughing food out her nose. "I'm sure I wasn't _that_ bad!"

"When you were just a tiny little sprog, you learned how to climb and we didn't realize you could do that yet. Your nanny put you down for a nap and then when she went back to check on you, you'd gotten out of the crib and she couldn't find you anywhere. She came running down the hallway toward the throne room while your father was in a meeting, and I pulled a guard from down the hall and posted him on the door so I could go look for you."

"I must have been running around the Castle for a varga before we found you on top of a stack of old furniture in one of the old storerooms. I still don't know _how_ you got in there, but you couldn't get back down, so there I was, climbing up on rickety old tables and things to get to you. When I picked you up, you wrapped your arms so tight around my neck I thought I was going to suffocate. I was so relieved I didn't even want to climb back down, but then the table started shaking, so I had to hoof it back to the ground."

He sat back down on the edge of her bed, all of a sudden, giving up his latest attempt at keeping decorum as he tugged absently at the neck of his jacket.

"You always _did_ have a strong grip when you were a child," he said, "So we made it down alright even when I needed a hand to steady myself on the way back to the door." He snorted lightly, not quite a laugh. "You probably don't even _remember_ that, you were so little. I thought your mother was going to fire Nanny on the spot, but you were safe and sound and still holding onto me like you'd never let go, and she changed her mind."

She didn't remember that, but it felt familiar. It made sense with plenty of the things she _did_ remember. "Poor Nanny," she said, "You know, I might have been less trouble if she hadn't been so insistent on telling me what to do. And what _not_ to do. I never liked that."

Coran snorted. "No, you didn't. It was a relief to everyone when you started having governesses instead, because most of them were at least a little bit better about that. Of course, it was like pulling teeth to get you to actually go to your _lessons_."

She remembered that, too. Of course, now she wished she'd paid a little more attention. She'd never expected to be on her own like this. She'd never expected to be thrown into the deep end and suddenly need to know everything at once. Not that even her lessons would have prepared her for being part of Voltron, but the rest of it might have been easier, or at least come as less of a shock. Her regret must have shown on her face, because Coran started talking again.

"Is it silly that I almost miss you hiding under my desk when you didn't want to do something? It was nice always knowing where you'd go if something went wrong."

"I wish I could hide under your desk _now_ ," she said, the words slipping out before she could stop them.

"I wish I _had_ a desk now," Coran answered, but it sounded like it was mostly a joke.

She wasn't sure she'd been joking. The food in her bowl was starting to run low, and once she'd eaten, she'd have to start facing the present again, and she just didn't _want_ to.

It was easier to think of being safe. Of leaning up against the side of Coran's desk with her red lion toy and waving it up and down like it was flying. Of resting her head on his knee when she got tired and drifting off that way. Of the way he'd nudged her gently with his foot when someone was coming in the door and she needed to stay extra quiet.

She just wanted to feel that safe again.

It seemed impossibly out of reach.

The room was quiet, the scrape of her spork against the inside of the bowl the only sound in the silence between them.

Finally, Coran broke it. "You can still come talk to me, you know. When things get difficult. I know how hard it is, being out here."

She looked down into her bowl. "I know, Coran. But sometimes it's easier just to pretend it isn't."

"You can't pretend forever, Princess."

She knew that, too. She could feel the edges of the pretending breaking down around her. She'd been able to feel it falling apart the whole time it was quiet. Taking one last bite to get her courage up, she finally asked the question she still needed the answer to. "Coran, how did I get home? How did you find me?"

 

* * *

 

 

Coran was glad he was already sitting down, because he'd been trying not to think too hard about those vargas he'd spent listening desperately for Allura to answer him, hoping the others would find her and bring her home. He'd been trying to put Allura first, to think about her feelings and not his own, but now she needed him to fill in the gaps she'd forgotten, and he couldn't avoid it anymore just because he didn't want to think about it.

She needed him to remember. He could do that.

He took a deep breath. Maybe it would be easier if he started at the beginning, before they lost contact. She remembered the beginning, but maybe if he started far enough back, it would be easier to stay calm.

"As soon as you were all in the asteroid field, your comms started cutting in and out and your locations went in and out on the scanner. I got through on the comms long enough to tell Keith I was getting interference, and I could hear him telling everyone to keep eyes on the other lions, but I don't know whether there was interference at your end, or if everyone heard him."

He realized suddenly that he should probably have asked the other paladins about that. He should have asked whether they lost her because they couldn't hear her, or whether they'd really just been that careless. But he'd kept his voice even as he told the story, and he sounded calm, and that was what mattered right now. Wasn't it?

"Yes," Allura said, nodding, "That's right. We could hear each other sometimes, but then it would cut in and out. We were supposed to stay where we could see each other, but I lost sight of Hunk and Keith, and I-"

"And _they_ lost sight of _you_ ," Coran interrupted. He usually didn't make a point of talking over the princess, but he couldn't let her take responsibility for getting lost when the others knew she was the newest paladin, and still the least comfortable in her lion. His anger toward them felt strangely distant now, but he'd take the blame himself, for letting them go into the field at all, before he let her take it on herself.

"By the time I realized I was alone, I hadn't heard them in several doboshes, but the comms had been patchy, and we were all trying to hurry." Allura was staring down at the empty bowl in her lap again, refusing to meet his eyes.

He reached a hand out to grab hers, and she let him. "That sounds very frightening," he said softly.

"It was," she answered, "And then Blue and I got hit - I can't remember much of it. I must have lost control, but I don't remember that. I just remember suddenly Blue was hurt and I'd - I hit my head, but I don't think that's when I started bleeding. Everything after that is in pieces."

"They realized you were gone once they'd made it out of the asteroid field," Coran said, hoping that if he could fill the gaps he knew enough to fill, she might feel better. "We couldn't hear you, and you weren't showing up on anybody's scanners, not even theirs. Not even when they went back into the asteroid field."

"Were they-" Allura began, before she stopped, blushing. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to finish. She faked a smile, not meeting his eyes. "Coran, I feel so silly. How upset were they that I'd lost them? I know they still get frustrated, but I-"

"No," Coran said, interrupting for the second time in as many doboshes. He didn't know what else to say, not with the memory still echoing through his head.

 

_"Where's Allura?"_

_"I don't know."_

Even remembering made his heart feel jittery.

_"You were_ supposed _to be_ watching _her!"_

 _"_ _Hey, I told_ everybody _to keep eyes on each other!"_

 _"I am_ so _sorry, guys, I thought Keith had her."_

 _"I thought_ you _had her!"_

_"I lost her too, but I thought either Hunk or -"_

He'd had to interrupt them, but first he'd had to start breathing again. He'd forgotten to breathe until he was almost dizzy, and when he'd been able to catch his breath again, he hadn't been able to think of any words but her name, so that was what he'd shouted.

"They weren't angry at all," he told her, fighting to keep his voice carefully controlled. "None of us were angry." She squeezed his hand, and he knew she'd seen through him.

"I've never been so frightened in my life," he admitted, smiling weakly at her until he couldn't hold it anymore. "I was yelling for you, but you didn't answer, and there was nothing I could do about it. But the paladins were already looking for you. They weren't angry."

It was essentially true. Mostly true. Nearly true. They'd been floating there, still shocked and bickering, until he screamed for her, but then they'd moved immediately. They'd been back in the asteroid field before he'd had his fear under enough control to talk to them.

 

" _Oh, quiznak. Coran. Don't worry! We're on it!"_

 _"Lance, wait for us! Don't just -_ come _on!"_

_"I, uh, I think I can get us back to where I saw her last."_

_"Everybody_ stay close _this time. I mean it!"_

_"The sensors are still out, but I can't figure out what's wrong. We need to stay close together so I can keep testing them."_

They paladins had seemed so _normal_ to him, at the time - so calm, while he was struggling to make keep the air going in and out of his lungs. He'd been hunched over the control console, holding onto the edge so hard it dug into his hands even through the gloves and they'd been rambling about sensors, flying too fast and telling each other off for it, making a half-baked plan in their usual all-talking-at-once way.

It had _hurt_ , and thinking about it still did. He'd called for her again every time he had the breath to do it, for those first few terrifying doboshes, and all he'd gotten back was fragmented chatter from everybody else.

Allura put her bowl down and stood up. He looked up at her, but before he could stand up, she had her free hand on his shoulder, stopping him. She sat beside him on the bed, rearranging her grip on the hand she was already holding as she leaned into his side and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's alright, Coran. I would have answered if I had heard you. I know I would."

He turned his head and pressed a kiss to her temple, narrowly missing a patch of blood. "I know."

"What happened after that?" she asked quietly. "I don't even know where I was."

He wanted to let go of her hand and wrap his arm all the way around her, just to know she was here and safe, but she was squeezing his hand pretty hard, and he didn't want to take that from her if it was helping.

"I think they expected to find you right away," he said, looking down at their linked hands. "I could only hear bits and pieces once they were really back in among the asteroids again. But I know when it had been more than a few doboshes, they were starting to panic."

He remembered being angry about that, but he didn't feel it now. He just felt sad.

He'd taken deep breaths and fought through his initial terror, and just as he'd gotten himself together enough to think of things to try, the paladins had started falling apart. He'd rebooted his systems, and scanned on new frequencies, and he'd tried to get through to Pidge to get her to help him, but she'd been shouting for Allura, by then, and she hadn't been listening. None of them had. He still didn't know what they would have done if she hadn't shown back up on his scanner when she did.

"I know I went somewhere," Allura said softly, looking down, too, and playing with their linked hands. "I thought I had to, but I don't - I can't -"

"You were probably right," he told her, leaning his head into hers. "When I finally got the signal back for your lion, you weren't even in the asteroid field anymore. That whole system had pockets of noise we couldn't see through, but you couldn't have gotten where you ended up without being visible. Not unless something was wrong with Blue before you left the asteroid field. And your comm had to have been damaged and not just blocked, because it was gone all the way back to the Castle."

He'd been so angry with Pidge for rambling on as they flew back, working it all out. It had been all technical details and science and frequencies and waves, a constant patter with occasional interjections from Hunk, all running under Keith barking out directions and Lance muttering soothing little platitudes at Blue and Allura. The other four lions had surrounded Blue and Allura and steered them back to the Castle, steadying them when they wobbled, and he'd just had to watch all five of them on the scanner, clustered too tightly together.

Pidge had had all the words for what was going on, but she hadn't been able to get him video of Allura on the comms. She hadn't been able to tell him whether Allura had made it through whatever had happened. All she'd been able to say was that something had been wrong, and Coran had already known that, because _everything_ had been wrong. Allura being gone had been wrong. Allura not answering had been wrong. Allura being hurt had been wrong. It still was, but at least this time he could do something about it.

He lifted up her hand and kissed the back of it. "I'm so glad you came back to us. Whatever you did, whatever happened, you got enough of Blue's systems fixed for me to see you. The others flew to your location and helped Blue get home, but we couldn't reach you. We didn't even know you were hurt until you stumbled out of the cockpit."

"And then you got me into a pod and I woke up back here," she said thoughtfully.

"Yes, we did. As fast as we could, Princess. You'd have been impressed, I think, if you weren't losing consciousness."

That wasn't enough of a joke. It wouldn't hide how afraid he'd been _then_ , either.

Allura pulled her hand out of his and flung her arms around his neck, squeezing him as tightly as she had when she was a child. He wrapped his arms around her in return, burying his face into her shoulder. It was better if she didn't see his face. It was better not to have to pretend he was ready to make jokes about it.

"I'm sorry I scared you," she whispered.

He felt his breathing starting to go ragged against her shoulder, and he squeezed her tighter because it was the only answer he could give her.

"I know you'll always find me," she said determinedly, the syllables careful and calm, and he knew she was at the edge of some pretty strong emotions, too. "I know you would have come for me, even if I hadn't -" She didn't know what she'd done and neither did he. He wished he could fill the blanks in for her, even if he didn't want to have to face whatever was in the gap. "I _know_ it, Coran," she said again.

His throat felt thick, but he knew what to say, so he said it, keeping his face hidden in her shoulder. "You just keep coming back to me, alright? You can scare me all you want, as long as you keep coming back."

She laughed, the sound coming out halfway to happy, and he took the moment to wipe his eyes on his sleeve before she realized how close he was to crying.

"Always," she answered.

Her arms loosened around his neck, and he released the hug, pressing his forehead against hers because he wasn't quite ready to let her go yet. "I'm glad you're home," he said.

The words were a thousand times too small, but she was already picking his hands up again, so he knew she understood. "I'm glad I'm home, too."

 

* * *

 

As hard as it was to watch Coran look this shaken, it was good to have some of the pieces back together. It was good to know some of what had happened, and to know that _he_ , at least, thought she'd done something right.

Things were starting to feel real again. She was missing pieces of her memory, but she'd gotten herself home, and the other paladins had helped. That was real. It _had_ to be real, because Coran wasn't trying to pretend anymore. He never lied to her, but he sugarcoated things sometimes. This wasn't sugarcoated. It was _real_.

Something she'd been holding tense relaxed. That was it, then. She'd fought her way back home, even when she was too hurt to remember it. The others had been looking for her the whole time. Coran had been waiting for her. Things could still be normal, even if they couldn't be the same, and all the pieces of the story made sense together, and maybe, just maybe, she could move on now.

Coran straightened up, leaning a little farther away from her, but he kept his hands in hers, and he let her keep holding onto him and for a while, they just sat there like that.

Maybe she could move on. Maybe she could face the world again. Maybe she could even face the lions. She at least felt ready enough to try, now that Coran was definitely on her side and the missing memories definitely weren't hiding anything that could keep her from being a paladin. She squeezed Coran's hands before she let go of them. "I think I'm ready to get cleaned up," she said, getting to her feet.

Coran stood up, too, tucking his hands formally behind his back like just standing had jolted him back into the old pretending. She stepped into his space, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. He blushed, his posture relaxing as he realized she'd caught him out. "I'll lay out fresh clothes for you. Do you want help with your hair?"

She thought about it for a moment, hand drifting up toward the bloody patch again. "Yes, please," she said. She liked doing things on her own, but if she and Coran were giving themselves a moment to just _be_ , she might as well admit that she hated the thought of having to touch the blood for that long. It was easier just to keep reminding herself that she was alright now, and that the parts she didn't remember had worked out for the best.

Moving felt good. She collected a clean set of underclothes out of a drawer and grabbed her robe. She could decide what to wear later, once she was clean. Once she was ready to decide what came next.

Coran scurried around her bathroom in front of her, replacing the towel she'd been using all week with a clean one and checking to make sure all of her favorite soaps were in the shower instead of by the tub. She wasn't sure why he was bothering. There hadn't been time for a proper soak in a long time. But she didn't mind letting him do it.

Coran never had been good at accepting it when he'd actually let people see he was upset. Even when she was little and she'd frightened him with one of her stunts, he'd acted like this. As soon as he'd let her out of those first relieved hugs, he'd been all business again, kneeling in front of her to straighten her dress or wipe dirt off her face or tie his handkerchief around a skinned knee, and rambling a mile a minute the whole time about what they were going to tell her father as if that was the part that mattered.

She put a hand on his shoulder once she'd set her robe and underthings down within reach of the shower, and he turned around, looking vaguely sheepish.

"I'll, uh - I'll just leave you to it then, shall I? I'll be right outside if you need me."

Allura couldn't think of a single thing she would need him for while she was in the shower, but the thought of him right outside the door was comforting, so she nodded anyway. "Thank you, Coran."  He nodded before he left, closing the door softly behind him.

Getting out of the healing suit was a mixed blessing. It was nice to strip it off and tell herself she wouldn't have to go into cryo again any time soon, but once she was naked, she realized the grime extended much farther than she'd expected. She could see a few more spots of dried blood where she'd been hurt when she came in, and it was strange to know she'd been injured when she didn't remember the injury.

She poked at a patch of dried blood at her hip, but whatever it was hadn't bled much, and it wasn't a solid mass. It crumbled under her finger and she let herself scratch at it until it was gone before she stepped into the shower.

The moment the water hit her skin, she closed her eyes, standing still and just _feeling_ it for a moment. Even this long after cryo, the warmth was welcome. It was just her usual temperature, but it felt better than usual. She leaned forward, letting the water run over her face for a moment before pulling back and opening her eyes again to find the soap.

Lance had traded some things with one of their new allies, and he'd come away with several bars of a nice-smelling soap he said reminded him a little bit of violets. It lathered up well, and it was only gently scented, and it felt right. Comfortable.

Her heart skipped a beat when she realized that the water running down the drain was visibly dirty, but she shoved the fear away. That was in the past. She'd made it home. She'd been strong enough to get herself where the others could see her. She'd been smart enough to find a way to help them come get her. The others had come. Coran would never leave her.

She turned the temperature up on the water before she started scrubbing the rest of the dirt and blood off of herself. The warm water had made her head feel clearer, the way it always did after cryo. It had made her feel steadier, and she could tell she was thinking more quickly. The hot water was a step better, burning away the grime and leaving her feeling like she had fresh new skin - a new start.

She didn't realize quite how hard she'd been scrubbing until she noticed her right arm was looking a little bit red, and she bit her lip. Best not to let Coran know she'd let herself get that upset. She leaned her head back, letting the water run through her hair and rinse out the worst of the dirt, and then she took that as an excuse to soap herself down again, more gently this time, and rinse off with slightly cooler water until the red faded enough not to give her away.

She had been slow, but that was alright. Coran wouldn't mind that. She tried to run a hand through her hair before she got out, but it was still too matted, and the blood was still there, too stubborn to let go.

She dressed quickly, not wanting to leave him waiting. It would be good to have clean hair. It would be good to feel like she could move on all the way. She tugged her robe closed and set her chin before she opened the door.

Coran was sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall beside the door, but he scrambled up as soon as he heard the slight squeak of the door's hinges. He looked like he was about to shoo her back into the bathroom, but then he stopped short. His fingers ghosted over the spot by her temple where the blood on her face had been thickest. "Much better," he said.

"Indeed," she answered, almost laughing as he blushed and put his hands behind his back again. The image was somewhat ruined by the fact that he'd abandoned his uniform jacket and gloves and he was standing there in his shirtsleeves.

He looked deca-phoebs younger with the top buttons of his shirt loosened and the crisp collar and broadened shoulders of the jacket gone. It was almost painful. He looked like he had when she was little, before it mattered so much that they keep decorum.   Before she'd stopped bursting into his office unannounced and he'd stopped letting her rope him into her games when they were both supposed to be working.

He cleared his throat. "Alright, Princess, let's see what we can do about that hair, eh? I've got everything we need here, if you're ready."

"Of course," she answered, stepping back to let him sweep into the bathroom with a chair, a small table, a large basin, and a small bucket.

He rearranged things to his satisfaction and then ushered her into the chair. She hadn't wanted to dry her hair with her towel when it still had blood in it, and it was a relief to dangle it over the basin instead of letting water run down her back, especially when the fact that the water in the shower had eventually run clean didn't mean the drips from her hair were clean.

Beside her, Coran rolled his sleeves up, getting them out of the way. This close, he didn't seem so young, even without the jacket. As the impression he'd made before faded, she felt both relieved and a little sad.

She'd forgotten how good it felt to let someone else wash her hair. His hands were gentle, never pulling even as he struggled with tough tangles and thick blood clots. He was humming softly under his breath, an old song she half-remembered, and it was hard to stay worried about anything when she felt this good. She closed her eyes and relaxed a little farther.

A damp hand brushed over her forehead, checking her temperature. "Are you feeling alright? You look tired."

She opened her eyes again. "I'm alright. It's just always tiring coming out of a healing pod."

"That's true," he said, rinsing his hand off and pushing the suds he'd left on her forehead back toward her hairline. His fingers were gentle against her scalp, but she couldn't remember if he'd ever washed her hair like this when she was little. She doubted it.  Bath time had been up to her nanny, when she was little enough to need help, and one of her parents would sometimes take over, it wasn't exactly the sort of thing they'd asked Coran to fill in for.

"Hey, Coran," she asked, "Remember that time when Father was ill and I convinced you to take me riding in his stead?"

He chuckled behind her. "Of course I do! You nearly scared the life out of me." His hands kept moving as he talked, and she wished she could tip her head back to look at him, but she didn't want to accidentally pull her own hair.  "You know, I should have known better than to let those big old yupper eyes of yours change my mind after I told you we couldn't go. By the time you started going on about your father letting you learn to jump, it was too late to turn back, and you never _did_ give us more than 30 ticks' warning before you did something you weren't supposed to. I thought you were going to kill yourself. Your whole life flashed before my eyes."

"Yes, but I made the jump," she pointed out.

Coran filled his bucket with new warm water and poured it slowly over her scalp. "No, Princess, you made the _first_ jump. You botched the second jump completely, and you're lucky you landed in that mud when you fell off, because if you'd landed on harder ground, you would have been hurt."

 _She_ was the one who should have known better than to try a second jump. Somehow, the things she did before someone could tell her no had always seemed to work out better than the same things after someone had warned her they were a bad idea.

She tipped her head back to look at him when he put the bucket down. "You checked me for injuries four times before you would believe I hadn't hurt myself."

He smiled fondly. "That's because _you_ lied about that sort of thing any time you wanted something badly enough. I thought your mother was going to have a heart attack any time you actually told her you didn't feel well. She was sure you'd only admit you were sick if you were actually dying."

"You _still_ overreact, you know," she said.

"Oh, because I wouldn't let you wander around the Castle after you brought an entire Balmera back to life?"

There was an edge to his voice, like he was purposefully _not_ talking about what had happened today, and Allura realized with a shock that she'd almost forgotten to be upset about it, just for a moment.

"Anyway," she said, changing the subject back to the original point of the story before her good mood could be eclipsed, "You made me stand under the _water_ _hose_ before you'd let me go into the Castle. And I was only a _little_ bit muddy!"

"You were mud from head to toe, and I didn't want your father knowing you'd had a fall. Not while he was feeling poorly."

"You still _hosed me down_."

"If I remember correctly, I let _you_ spray the hose at _me_ first. You got it up my nose."

She giggled. The way she remembered it, that hadn't been entirely accidental.

"I ought to get water up _your_ nose," he joked. Even if his hands hadn't stayed perfectly steady in her hair, she wouldn't have believed he'd actually do it. It was the sort of threat he'd used all the time when she was little, and he'd never once meant it.

"You _did_ have mud all over," she said.

"So did you," he replied, calmly.

"Mother knew something had happened the second we walked in."

Coran sucked a breath in through his teeth. "Yes, I've thought about that a _few_ times since then. If I had it to do over, I think I'd have dried us off before we went in. The dripping was a bit of a giveaway."

"But the juniberry blossom was a nice touch," she conceded.

"That was the part your father laughed at me for," his voice shifted into an old familiar imitation of her father, never quite the way her father really sounded, but familiar nonetheless. "'Did you really think you could put a flower behind her ear and we wouldn't notice she was wet all over?'"

"He was impressed about my jump, though."

"And I was in your mother's yupper house for a phoeb and a half."

"I did get you into a lot of trouble, didn't I?"

"Only with your mother," Coran answered, sounding a little sad. "Your father was at least as much of a pushover as I was, where you were concerned."

Right up until he wasn't. She didn't like thinking about the end, when she'd spent so much time yelling at him that they needed to fight and so little time making the most of her father being alive. But she hadn't known. She _couldn't_ have known.

"They would both be proud of the woman you've become," Coran said after a moment. "Bumps and bruises and all. You never _did_ attack a problem the easy way. But they'd be proud to see you've still got that old Allura grit."

"Is that a hint?" she asked, tipping her head back to look at him again, even though it pulled at her hair a little.

"Princess, we both know you were never going to stay in here forever. You've never given up a fight in your life."

" _You_ said you'd stay here with me if I stayed forever."

"And if something ever happens that's as bad as that, I will. But this one's coming out alright in the wash."

He flipped a lock of hair over her face and it slapped wetly across her cheek. She laughed, sitting up quickly enough to slosh half the water in the basin down her back and then turning around to splash him with the rest.

He flung his hands up in front of his face, letting the water hit his forearms. "Whoa there, Princess, you're only half done!"

"And _you're_ only half dry!" she retorted, splashing at him again.

Laughing felt good, and so did letting herself drift off in her damp chair once Coran was soaked through and had convinced her to sit back down and let him finish.

 

* * *

 

Coran's jacket felt strange over his wet shirt, but he didn't want to walk across the Castle without it. If Allura was still asleep when he got back, he might take the time to change, but he couldn't be sure how long her nap would be, and he didn't want to leave her for too long.

If she was going to rejoin the paladins soon, he needed to stop thinking about all the times she'd gone from full speed to napping as a child. They'd spent deca-phoebs trying to teach her how to pace herself, so they wouldn't keep finding her passed out on the floor wherever she'd fallen asleep. But now here she was, almost fully-grown, running the Castle on her own, and she'd fallen asleep in the chair so suddenly he'd nearly missed it.

 _30 ticks' warning_ , he thought to himself with a smile. It was comforting to know that some things never changed, even if you might have wanted them to, once.

She had come so far, but she'd lost that sense of freedom she'd had when she was small. She could still be wild, but she poured it all into saving the world, now. Into doing what she thought she had to. It was sad, sometimes.

He took a deep breath, trying not to let himself feel the sadness. It was nice to know she'd taken a moment to relax. Even when he told her and the paladins they were allowed a moment of calm, they seemed to struggle with letting go. He supposed it was a symptom of having the weight of the universe on their shoulders, because he hadn't let own his hair down like this in a while, either. But today they'd managed, just for a moment. Maybe they could find a way to do it more often.

As he was returning the empty basin to a storage closet near the hangars, Lance came running up to him, Allura's paladin armor in his hands. "Coran! There you are!"

He turned to face the boy, and Lance stopped short a few feet from him.

"So, um, I cleaned Allura's paladin armor, and I was wondering if you wanted to give it back to her? I mean, she doesn't have to put it on or anything, 'cause she's probably still a little mad at us and all, and it's not like we _have_ to go flying again right away, but I just thought, you know, probably it's better if she doesn't have to think about it. So now it's like it was before. Like nothing happened."

Coran wasn't sure he was following, but he took the armful of armor pieces anyway.

"Thanks, Coran!" he said cheerfully. "I got Blue all cleaned up, too, inside and out. Like nothing was ever wrong. Blue says Allura went through a lot, but, like, at least she doesn't have to deal with that now."

It took Coran a moment to realize Lance was talking extra fast because he was still afraid Allura was angry with him. Or perhaps he was still afraid _he_ was angry with him.

"Thank you, Lance," he said, encouragingly, "I'm sure that will help."

Lance heaved a sigh of relief, something in his smile easing. "Oh good. And you don't have to tell her. 'Cause then she'll just think about all the damage and the point is her _not_ thinking about it. Right?"

"Right," he agreed.

Lance nodded, looking awkward. "So, yeah. I'm uh -" he pointed over his shoulder with his thumb, "I'm just gonna go." He sounded upset, and he ducked his head down as he started to turn his back, and Coran couldn't stand it.

"Lance, wait a minute," he said, sighing.

Lance turned back around, looking a little nervous. "Yeah?"

"I may have been -" he paused, choosing his words carefully, "I may have been a  _bit_ hard on you paladins when you got back. You did well out there, at the end. And you've done a good job of looking after her since she got back."

Lance blushed, looking down. "You think?"

"Yes, I do. I'm still not happy that you lost her. It put her at risk, and it really hurt her feelings. But accidents happen sometimes, and all of you did a good job of staying calm and looking out for her once you realized she was gone."

"Yeah, well, I still wish we hadn't lost her," Lance said, poking at the floor with his toe

"I do, too. But you did. And now you've all been trying to help out since she got back. You should know I appreciate it."

He wasn't sure what else to say. He wasn't sure quite when he'd forgiven them, but it was water under the bridge, now. Allura was safe and sound, asleep in her bed where he'd left her, and hearing her laugh again made it hard to hold onto everything else.

Lance looked up at him, managing a small but real smile. "Thanks, Coran."

Coran nodded. "Anyway, you'd better make sure you didn't leave cleaning supplies all over the hangar, like the last time you cleaned something. I've got to get back and check on Allura. But I'm sure she'll appreciate everything being put back for her."

"Shoot!" Lance said, turning around, "I am _so_ on that, Coran. She won't even know I was in there."

It that was true, it was actually a bit of a pity. Maybe he'd tell her about it, himself, a few missions down the line and when things weren't so fresh.

 

* * *

 

Waking up in her bed was confusing for a moment, until Allura rolled over and realized that the soft snoring behind her was Coran, asleep in the chair in front of her dressing table. She reached up to pat at her hair. It seemed dry until she sat up and ran her fingers through it. It was getting close to dry, which meant she'd been asleep for more than a few doboshes, but not for _terribly_ long.

It also meant she needed to brush it out quickly, before it dried the way she'd slept on it and got unmanageable. She sat up, realizing her robe and sheets were still a little damp, too. Coran must have put her straight to bed so that he wouldn't have to wake her up. She snorted fondly, allowing herself a smile. Well, she could pass the favor on.

She sat up carefully, leaning against the headboard, and then scooted carefully over to the very edge of the bed before reaching over toward the table, fingers scrabbling for her hairbrush. She caught it with her fingertips, well enough to pull it toward her, and then leaned over a little farther in the hopes of getting a hand fully on the handle. Instead, she knocked over a bottle of perfume. It didn't break, but it hit the top of the table with a loud thump.

Coran woke with a start. "What - Allura?"

She stopped trying to reach for the hairbrush, freezing in place. "Sorry, Coran. I was trying not to wake you."

He took a deep breath, and she felt bad for having startled him. "It's alright, Princess. I'm just glad you're feeling rested. It's been a long day."

He was right. It had. She straightened back up. "You don't need to keep worrying about me, you know," she said, as much out of habit as anything. Coran always worried.

"That wasn't our deal," he said, picking up the hairbrush and handing it to her, "Our deal was that I can get as scared as I want and you have to keep coming home."

She laughed. "That was _not_ our deal."

"Well, that's definitely what I remember." His voice was light, but he was lying, and she knew it. She let him, because there was no use fighting it. Not when there was something comforting about knowing that Coran would _always worry_.

"Do you think the paladins are still up and about?" she asked him, running the brush through her hair. "Come to think of it, what time is it?"

Coran checked his pocket watch.

"Hmm," he said, "Any other quintant, I'd say at least a few of them might have gone to bed, but they've all had a pretty bad fright, so they're probably up. Are you sure you want to do this tonight, Princess? I can send them off to bed, and you can talk to them in the morning, if you want to."

She shook her head. "No. I feel ready to talk to them again. I want to do it." She was half surprised, herself, but it was true. She felt ready, and delaying would just make her feel worse about it.

Coran nodded, getting to his feet.

"What do you want to wear?" he asked, "I had some things laid out earlier, but I moved them when you fell asleep."

She bit her lip, pretending to focus on her hair while she thought about it. Coran kept moving, walking to the closet and rolling out, of all things, a _rack_ full of outfits. "I assume you don't want to change into your nightie, if you're going out to meet them. Your formal gown is clean, and I've got both your command armor and your paladin armor. I also found a more casual dress in the back of the closet, if you want to go with something in the middle. I barely remember it, but it looks like it should still fit, so that's lucky."

He turned to look at her after he'd finished running through the list, and she climbed out of bed, walking toward him so she could buy herself some time. Her armor would tell them she wasn't afraid to go back out there, but the truth was that even though she was feeling better about things, it _was_ still intimidating to think of going back out in her lion. She rested her fingertips against the pink armor for a moment, but decided she needed a smaller first step.

Coran had been worried about her, and if the paladins hadn't been angry with her, if they'd been making her dinner and waiting outside the pod and whatever Lance had been doing, then they'd probably been worried, too. Looking strong wouldn't be a bad idea. And it took the casual dress out of consideration, eliminating one more option.

She shoved the hangers to the side, looking at her formal dress and her command armor side-by-side. Coran stepped closer to her, looking over her shoulder.

After a moment, she leaned backward into him with a sigh. He caught her around the waist and steadied her, like she'd known he would. "Is it too silly if I wear the armor but leave my hair down?" she asked. "I'm too tired to fight, right now, but I want them to know I'm not afraid of it, either."

"I don't think they'll notice, Princess. Except maybe Pidge. She _did_ have long hair in that picture Hunk found in her room."

Pidge had also cut all her hair off, and probably didn't have room to judge. Allura nodded. "That's what I'll do, then."

Coran left the room while she changed, but she was sure he was right outside the door, even though he hadn't said so. Best not to keep him waiting. She checked her hair in the mirror, making sure it was tucked neatly behind her ears even though she hadn't put it up, and straightened her armor. She could do this.

As soon as she'd made it into the corridor, Coran fell into step behind her right shoulder, exactly where he should be, and she felt her posture improving, her confidence rising with it.

When they found the paladins sitting on the couches outside the training deck, they were in a tighter cluster than usual, all within arms' reach of each other. All four of them sprang to their feet as she made her entrance, Lance and Keith making it the fastest.

"Hello, Paladins," she said, "You didn't have to wait for me, you know."

Keith looked confused, but Pidge grinned, uttering a mildly sarcastic, "Pr _in_ cess." Lance was already moving toward her.

He pulled her into a hug without asking, and sometimes she would have minded, but right now she just hugged him back.

Hunk wasn't far behind Lance, and she didn't usually make a point of hugging the paladins, not when it was so unprofessional, but she could tell he wanted to hold her, too. She put a hand out, and he wrapped his arms around both of them at once. She got an arm around his shoulder, and then Pidge was worming her way into the hug, too. In a secret, deep part of her heart, she loved it, but even now, she wasn't sure she should let herself give into it too much.

She laughed at them. "Ok, fine, maybe you _did_ have to wait for me."

The hug wasn't a long one, and she didn't mind letting go. Not now that she was sure they'd meant to be there for her. Keith had made his way over, too, but he hadn't gotten into the hug, and he was staring at his feet, his arms crossed over his chest as he kicked his toes against the floor.

She rolled her eyes, stepping forward to hug him so that everything would come out fair and he would stop looking so uncomfortable. Even as he returned the hug, he was a little awkward, but something about his tightly closed eyes as he squeezed her back made her think it was good anyway.

When she pulled away, he opened his eyes again and held his chin up. "I know I've already said we were sorry, but I thought I should say it again. We should have been more careful. We should have been looking out better, and we weren't."

"I forgive you," she answered, "As long as you'll forgive _me_ for falling behind and not asking for help."

"Dude, of _course_ we will!" Lance exclaimed.

"Yeah, totally! It was _definitely_ not your fault," Hunk said.

"It's alright," she said, "I only remember pieces of what happened out there, but I know enough to know it wasn't _anyone's_ fault."

Keith glanced away, leaving Pidge to answer for him.

"Well, I don't know about _that_ , but we're glad you're ok. And we're gonna be more careful."

"I'm instituting a buddy system," Keith said abruptly. "In case we ever have comm problems again. It's already happened too many times. Lotor _must_ be doing it on purpose. But I'm not sending us out there again without a plan. We'll buddy up, depending on the mission. Then everybody has their person."

 _Their person_. What a nice thought.

"That sounds like a good idea," Coran said from behind her.

She nodded in agreement. "We can hope we won't need it again, but it's always better to have a plan."

" _Quiznak_ , it's just good to see you feeling better again," Lance said, breathing the first word out in a rush, like he couldn't hold it in any longer.

She laughed. "It's good to _be_ feeling better."

Lance hugged her a second time, and she almost surprised herself by enjoying it instead of feeling awkward.

 

* * *

 

As Allura accepted her third hug in as many doboshes, Coran felt something welling up in his chest. He stepped forward to join the hug, acting on an impulse he would usually have checked. "Bring it in!" he said, waving an arm at the others until they piled in around Lance and Allura.

It had been easy to be angry with them when Allura was hurt and they were to blame. It had been harder when Allura was mending, and they were doing their best to help her. It was impossible with them all together again, leaning into each other and trying to wrap Allura all the way up in affection.

He ruffled Keith's hair, and the boy squawked and swatted his hand away, but a flash of smile told him there weren't any hard feelings, and he'd told Lance he'd done the right thing, and he'd told Hunk and Pidge their food was good, and maybe they could all move on.

Allura shoved her way out of the hug, but every ounce of sternness on her face was fake, and it was good to see her relaxed. It was good to see the others still looking at her with wonder, with that old light in their eyes that he remembered from Altea.

He wondered sometimes if Allura knew exactly how much she had always been loved.

It was reassuring to know that she still was.


End file.
